I live across the street from a cemetery, it's a big one too. Every morning on my way to the bus stop I walk right next to it, usually with headphones on (I'm not a big fan of the loud traffic noise that accompanies busy streets). You'd think such scenery would sink me down into a feeling of pity, sadness and whatever it else is that normal people feel when observing this symbolism of death. But what I feel is a little different. It's a reflective feeling, no doubt, but a cemetery is actually a very soothing style of landscaping if you really think about it. A wide open field with no interruptions save for these small, somewhat uniform, stones protruding from the surface. I look at it and as the breeze rushes by me in just the right direction, and I feel no sadness or grief, but I let out a great sigh of relief. I'm not too sure why I react this way but it's such a pleasant, peaceful part of my morning walk.

What I like about the bus is that there are always so many people, and most of them look just as sleepy as I do. 7:30am, It's one of the few times of day where so many 20-somethings can congregate together and be so silent. I often wonder what living in a college town is like if you are not a student, or not of the typical college age. Probably awkward, you probably feel like such an outsider. I even feel like a little bit of an outsider sometimes. Then again, who doesn't? Life is intimidating.

Once I'm on campus I've still got quite a way to walk to get to my first class. And since it's a little bit of a walk I have time to reflect for a little while. This morning I must have been glowing as much on the outside as I had felt like I was inside because every stranger I passed seemed to be smiling, and once I realized that, I realized I was smiling too. Everything has been going just right, and I suppose that's what they say happens after everything goes wrong. But who believes that stuff until it actually happens... really?

Creating a life for yourself is quite an undertaking I've learned, but worth every bit of effort. My ambition is widening, and I don't feel trapped by my circumstances in any way. I feel liberated. I have the freedom to do whatever I want, in all reality. The only drawback to the things I want is money... but I have decided that it's okay to spend money... even money that is borrowed, because money is not real, it does not exist in the wide scheme of what really matters. The things that I want to experience belong to no one. I belong to no one, and material wealth belongs to no one. If giving in to this game of money is what it takes to get me there because that's how everyone else believes things should work, then so be it. Because money really means little to me. Simply paper dollars and metal coins that can do nothing but be exchanged. Money cannot stifle the excitement and ambition I have about this life I'm living.

Instead of lecturing about Geography, this morning my professor told us about a trip he is taking this summer and is inviting 12 students to accompany him. They are going to the British Isles for about 2 weeks and studying the cultural/economic geography of the land. It's about $3,500. It's not the first time an opportunity like this has come up in school. Not this one, but I would like to take one of these trips sometime. And if I continue to feel the way I do about Physical Anthropology at the end of this semester, perhaps even more opportunities will arise there.

For right now I live in a small apartment complex that looks pretty shabby on the outside, but we made a nice little place for ourselves inside. It's the kind of place where no one ever has their blinds open because the view is nothing to brag about, it's the kind of place where you don't quite trust the deadbolt lock on the front door because sometimes it opens anyway even when it is locked, but this is the place where I live, and I like it. My room mate is a gay guy I met in creative writing class during high school 2 years ago. We were never really friends much and only started talking again at the end of last year, but we get along incredibly well. I'm broke and jobless at the moment, and the loan I took out to help me with this has not arrived yet so I'm at a stalemate as far as money. But I like it, it's a means of living and most importantly: I chose this.

I chose this life, and the feeling I get from the freedom of being able to continue making decisions that make me happy is just incredible. Beyond words.

I tend to agree with you about money. My parents get pissed at me, because I tend to spend it on things they don't think are important, but there is always more to be had.
» Someones_Muse on 2007-09-07 02:44:43

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